I woke up today at 1:36 pm to the sound of pre pubesent chuckling from the room mate next door. I tried despratly to stay asleep. Brian had already left and I was struggling my way through a confusing dream. I had a dream that I had a baby, a real life 9 lb 4 oz baby. A baby that chuckled when I tickled it, cried for me when I let the room, fell asleep in my arms. I held it's head as I put it to rest.
And then all of a sudden I had a green gummy bear that somehow represented the baby. I took a bite for some reason and then I flipped the fuck out because I thought I had just eaten the head off of my baby, the same head that I had just carefully laid to rest. It was now in my stomach. I knew I shouldn't have read that article about the naked man eating some guys face off.
I spent the rest of the dream scrambling aorund asking people if they knew what I had just done "Is this normal, was I supposed to do that? Is that part of parenting? Will it grow back?" were some of the questions I bombarded random middle class folks in the background of my brains atmosphere.
I tried to stay asleep to make sure the baby grew back. I waited aorund day and night for what seemed like weeks but were merely a few minutes. It's head never grew back, and I decided to wake myself up from this awful dream, not to mention the giggling room mates weren't making the dream less easy to escape.
It was haunting though, to hear them. I couldn't, for some reason, stop thinking about what I had done. I knew it wasn't real, but I'm talking about those very few first moments when you wake up and your questioning weather or not that dream about you becoming a witch was really true and if your cat can actually talk. For those first few moments of this morning I wanted to ruin the laughter, I thought they were laughing at my loss, but thankfully the moment lasted only 4 seconds, tops.
Instead my head filled with my inner parent waiting at the front door for me to come home, only the parents in my head are waiting for me to come back to sobrity until they start to yell at me, reminding me of the fool I really am.
"I can't believe you said that to her, what were you thinking? I hope she doesn't remember" and " God I hope he doesn't think I meant to do that, it was totally an accident" or my favorite, the ever-so confiding parent "your such a fucking dumb ass, how do you have friends?"
Luckily I didn't really do anything last night, so when I tried to catalogue through the recent events, no evidence was collected, but it was replaced with other evidence from the night before last.
I scanned my room for any trace evidence of an attempted disaster, none taken. Only empty 40 oz bottles cuddled around various chairs along the room and my clothes from the day before.
I eventually got myself up, but all day this dream has been getting to me, and for lack of embarrassment if I had told someone else, I told you instead. Keep it a secret, and let's never talk of it again. I hate being good at that.
I've been wondering lately why it is I set myself such a high bar and expect to climb over it somehow within a day, and if I don't my lack of self confidence goes even further down until I put myself in a rut of utter self hatred and pity. I don't mind the self hatred, it's the pity that I hate. Why should I find myself pitiful if I don't succeed as quickly as others?
And that's what it really is, I've been in a state of envy for months on end with a girl I am friends with on the old (yup you know it) Facebook. Every time I check, which is far too often, there's something new she has to tell everyone about her awesome life. About going to shows, HER art shows, her publicity features, her new professionally published zines, then I realize I have nothing to say for myself. I am just sitting here..on Facebook, checking it yet again. I'm not saying she's not awesome, cause she is.
That's the trouble, I see other girls that are awesome and I get scared to remotely be inspired rather than begrudging the person. It's easy for me to love famous girls and be inspired, for some reason it feels like a made up character that I'm supposed to love, someone was created for me to be inspired by, but in all reality those girls are just normal girls too, but when I actually know some one and I can physically shake hands with them, or electronically poke them, it seems like since they are in my reach the same opportunities should be in that same distance for me too.
Do I think I reserve it? of course not, another problem of mine. Self worth. Some times, like these times, I need to stop interacting with my world and look around at it. On my right, my beautiful singer sewing machine awaits tomorrow for me to use it again, I am surrounded by amazing prints to work with, I look up to see a full rack of mix tapes I had made along with a tape of my band and another tape I had an awesome time helping to put together, a whole night dedicated to making tiny little paper bags and finishing them off with 2.25 stickers that we had saved up over the years. to the left of that my drawings hang, flipping me off for not believing in myself (and that's what I drew) to my left, my favorite cat int eh world sleeps until I'm done with the computer and then she will come and cuddle up with me while we watch t.v.. In my room also a book case with all of the zines I had made, under that a trunk full of dresses that I've made. And then about now I'm saying what the fuck? I should be int he paper! Why aren't people paying any attention to all of the work I put into my art? Uh oh- here it comes-….does it all just really suck?
No! You get e-mails from around the world from girls telling you how amazing your work is, how much they want everything in your store, how they want to be doing what I'm doing. And there it is- it hits me. I want to be the inspiring girl, I don't want to be in the public eye, I just want to inspire the girls that get there, and hey if I make it along the way than hooray. but does that mean I can't be inspired by other girls? No, why do I think that way? I'm scared of being notice, I'm frightened that someone might see my impersonation of another girl and think "she's not her own person" or " why can't she act like herself ever?". I'm forever acting like myself, only myself is a hermit, a shy shy hermit, and how do you show who you really are that way?
So I'm making a firm decision to start a magazine I've been dreaming about for about a year now called "Stains" mostly for accidental self conscious broke girls, a magazine for girls to read and feel good about themselves afterward. Fashion magazines hardly bring me up when giving me advice to keep my boyfriend in the bedroom, or style tips for an outfit under $100, and other alternative magazines make me feel like I'm doing something wrong with my life by staying in for the night, almost every night, and they make me feel uncomfortable after seeing pages of half naked slutty hipster girls that started their careers in American Apparel ads.
I just want to see a normal girl, a girl that loves fashion, music, food, friends, life, love but also has a normal life. School on Mondays from 1-4 and Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays from 6-9 pm, she studies at home, hangs out with friends on the weekends, has pet peeves, poops, eats meat, and doesn't think she's the hottest shit in the city. A girl that is inspired by inspiring other girls, that's who I want to meet, and already I have a great crew, a couple of great friends of mine have agreed to help me with this project, and of course they are those same girls I was just talking about. Hopefully you'll find this inspiring and would like to send in an article, everyone is accepted :)
This month we are looking for articles , art, photography, fashion photography , etc…from girls (or boys) on Inspiration. Anything you would like, if it's inspiration from within, from another girl, a famous person, your mom, your inspiration wall, anything will be accepted. Have fun
I am going to make this post a little different, I'm going to talk a little bit more, if you don't mind. I've been going a little crazy lately, in need of a ..it sounds bad when I say a friend because I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for, but i think that's also what I do mean. I have secrets about myself it feels like.
Out of all of my closest friends I am the only girl.... or am I the girlfriend of the really good friend in the group? I get treated like girl, and not a lady, if that makes any sense. That's not really my big concern, but it does float to the top of my brain every once and a while. People make assumptions about me based on my gender, but hell I'll slap box you and kick your ass, and afterwards I can talk about ANTM for hours if anyone would listen.
I've always felt awkward about my gender, growing up I loved playing sports, getting dirty and wearing jerseys, but then I got to a point where I wanted to be a girl that boys found attractive, and that wasn't going to happen until I took a shower and brushed out my hair. Middle school I really struggled, I got more into punk rock and started doing weird things to my hair and clothes, again finding myself completely unattractive to anyone else.
Ninth grade I started high school wearing make up , short skirts and ripped tights, dyed my hair blonde and found that lots of guys liked me, to the point where I decided, "hey why not date them all?"
That lasted for about a week until I felt horrible, I realized I liked all of them as a friend and I broke up with all of them. They were all into pop punk, the same shit as I liked, so I felt more comfortable and brought my "punk" clothes back out and dyed my fresh blonde hair. I felt like Dolly Parton showing off her coat of many colors, I was instantly labeled as a poser and spent the rest of that semester with no friends until I changed schools for the Spring. I started this school as myself, I was back in San Francisco and felt alright to dress however I liked.
The conundrum ... no boys. Ahhhh life for a teenager is so hard, it got worse as the years wet on and I started to go to school in Palo Alto, where I gave up and dropped out of school. I wouldn't say that boys is the reason why I dropped out either. If you haven't found this out from reading thus far, I've been to 14 different schools growing up, none of them were on the same track or page and sometimes I felt like I knew something and didn't pay attention and then other times I went come feeling like the dumbest person in the world.
Friends were hard to make and keep, my father for the most part stayed in San Francisco, but my mom had me going to school in Richmond, Antioch, Hercules, and Crockett. I'm only friends with those people on facebook (for some reason).
So back to the "gender issue" ...I just don't know how to deal with it still. I don't like being treated like a girl, but when I find myself acting like a typical one I ask to be excused or listened to.
I need a friend, one that wants to listen to me. I feel like I have so many secrets. I just want to talk to someone. Its hard when the person you spend day and night with has already heard your non sense, and you feel like they just don't want to hear it anymore. When he asks me why I'm crying I have no answer for him, I just keep holding it in, and it just makes me cry even more.
I need someone's advice, someone that knows me to tell me what I'm thinking isn't wrong, that I shouldn't have to feel so trapped and lonely all of the time. I feel like I've said this a million times but, it's one thing to feel lonely and actually be alone, it's another to be with someone you love, and their arms are free of you when your feeling the most alone. You tell them how you feel and they just sit there, your crying and they just sit there, watching you. You have nowhere to run, your trapped in that room. No walk cause then it's "where are you going" and then a game of follow the leader, can't go to the bathroom cause there's always a room mate doin' something in there, can't just hide underneath your sheets cause he's just there, sitting on them.
What do I do? I've been thinking about moving to England more and more each day. It's been my secret plan for a few months, but now I can't stay focused in class, I'm just drawing up my ideal life in England in my head
I walk into a liquor store, head for the back, grab a whatever sized of whatever beer, come back up to the front counter..
"two pounds"
"right!"
And then my reality shifts and I'm back in a CCSF classroom.
Or I'm walking down the streets, right, and the cars are buzzing to the right of me, but ...wha? blood'y hell! the cars are going the same direction as me!
I only went to England for 2 days all together and these are just things that happened to me while I was there. It was also my first 2 days in Europe in my life so I kept doing the history view thing, where I was like "whoooaaaa can't you imagine like...peasants here like whacking grass or something?" hey...I was a little sick from the plane ride, so I wasn't being too smart about it.
Just talking about it for 2 small paragraphs has made me so much happier! One day. I'll runaway. For now...class.
I have been on a kick of 90's fashion, I know. But here's my last two sense on the subject. Clarissa. My ultimate fashion icon in my last 15 or so years of living. I wish i could have everything in her closet, only problem is that she's usually wearing most of it. I pulled a couple of things out of my closet to try to emulate Clarissa even in the least bit. I don't have anyone to model for me, nor a reasonable self timer on my camera, so for now, everything is laid down on my semi-crammped room.
Crepe floral polkadot mix-matched patterned blouse, tied in the middle , britney style.-Given to me from a friend in exchange for a sweater i had appliqued.
Cut off jean shorts from pants I had ruined by trying to acid dye them , just made it look tie dyed.
Long patterned socks/ tights.Gift from my dad, he always gets me warms socks and tights for life in san francisco, i got these about sumer time.
Novelty school bus side bag-Buffalo Exchange in Las Vegas $10
My cat insisted on being a part of the photos, furgus-breath!
Doc Martins aren't necessary, just a good ol pair of black boots. Found these on the street in front of my house-just fine.
The accessories of Clarissa, I think I might have under did it!
Vintage colorful cat earrings thrifted from a little shop in calavaras county called good stuff-about $2
Ceramic surfing cow Goodwill $3
Bracelet from a family friend who bought this for me while visiting family in Greece.
Disco ball earring, I did have two but I had given the other one away in some sort of a comradery friendship way. -Piedmont Boutique $4
Beaded necklace made by my sister- Only for me
Fun eyewear, duh, clarissa
Here's another idea of something you could use instead of something so sheer. A button down floral shirt, or any other pattern will pretty much do, top it off with a vest, a head band or pull your hair up in a loose bun on top of the head. ccuuuuuttteee!!!
I woke up at 8:30 today, I don't know why, I guess I did get into bed pretty early last night. Anyway, it was already light out and I could't fall back asleep, but I sure as hell was't getting up yet. So I thought I'd put on a shitty movie to help me fall asleep. But it was too shitty, I had to watch it. It had to have been made this year, and I could only tell because the latest Britney and Gaga hoarded the soundtrack. It was a movie called Teen Spirit. Now you have to understand something about me, I have a weak spot for cheesy teen movies, I mean the cheesiest of cheese, like I've got the blues, lathering myself in expected plot lines. But this movie was ...really really bad. The mean girl dies at her prom as she is grabbing for her prom queen title blah blah blah , it's so stupid i don't even want to explain how she died, but she gets sent to limbo where Tim Gunn tells her she needs to turn the most unpopular girl in the school into prom queen and then she could go to heaven.
That's when I started to miss movies from the 90's. Other than the plot line and the soundtrack I had many qualms with Teen Spirit 1. iphones and ipad commercial. You see one or the other or both the entire time. 2.Seemed like more like propaganda for girls in high school to be pretty but nice to others. My biggest problem was that the main mean girl takes this girl in for 5 days and plays barbie with her and gives her extensions and turns her into a mean girl, but in the end the girl never changes back to herself, they just stay at prom and are totally cool with this bogus speech this girl just made about how we should all just get along. That's what made me think of Clueless, in the end Tai goes back to being herself turned around the make-over and ends up dating Travis, the skater dummy that "no sophisticated woman would date." But Shakespeare wrote the concept.
The characters were also really unrelatable. I didn't like anyone, usually you hate the mean girl, but you want her there, and you love the good one. In any way, I decided to pull up some of my favorite scenes/ fashion/ red-ness from some great 90's teen movies.
Seriously,
we need a revival.
Fluffy pens!!!! I remember I wanted one more than anything, but when I came to school with one I got laughed at by my entire table (4th grade) ..sanrio was really in at that particular school in the sunset.
Cher: Okay, so you're probably going, "Is this like a Noxzema commercial or what?" But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl. Share this quote
4th-6th grade fashion icons.
something mentos ,
mentos fresher,
something something mentos something something
fuuull of life.
I love the water bottle chain purse. Knee high stockings and school girl skirts. I almost forgot about the white button down work shirt under a sweater vest. My dad had given me one of his old work shirts, but I was way smaller so it didn't work out for me then. I just now realized I didn't find a picture of her closet, which is a computer logged full of the items in her closet with a picture of herself so she could sample them, pick out an outfit and the closet would bring what she picked out. I wanted that when I was a kid and it was way harsh to find out that it didn't exist because it was the only reason why I wanted to be rich.
"you guy's got coke here?"
Heather: It's just like Hamlet said, "To thine own self be true."
Tai: Hey, did you see that? Cher: Ugh. Skateboards. That's like so five years ago. Share this quote
I felt like Tai when I was a kid and always hoped one day I'd meet a popular girl to give me a make-over and hang out with me all the time. I guess I didn't get the moral then.
Tai: Shit, you guys, I have never had straight friends before! Share this quote
Now that I'm older and I see what book he's reading this part is even more hilarious
Josh: Hey, in some parts of the universe, maybe not in contempo-casual, but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world. Cher: Thank you Josh. I SO need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me the part about Kenny G again? Share this quote
Cher: So like, right now for example. The Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, "What about the strain on our resources?" Well it's like when I had this garden party for my father's birthday, right? I put R.S.V.P. 'cause it was a sit-down dinner. But some people came that like did not R.S.V.P. I was like totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, and squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. Thank you very much.
Amber: Was I the only one listening?I thought it reeked.
Cher: No I believe that's your designer imposter perfume.
I actually thought these guys were the cute ones, it was one of my favorite parts when "all the young dudes" comes on and cher has her speech about dating guys in high school. She says something like "and they expect to roll out of bed , put on some jeans and backwards cap and we're supposed to SWOON over them? as if!"
Mighty Mighty Bosstones. this part was helpful for my ska phase. The soundtrack for this movie is awesome!
Murray: Woman, lend me fi' dollas. Dionne: Murray, I have asked you repeatedly not to call me "woman". Murray: Excuse me, "Ms. Dionne." Dionne: Thank you. Murray: Okay, but, street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking, but not necessarily in misogynistic undertones. Share this quote
Another 90's Teenage Shakespeare take. I remember when this movie finally came out on VHS, my best friend and I watched it over and over trying to get tips from Kat for when we got to high school. We were in 7th grade at the time, so at that time high school seemed glorious and the only thing we were looking forward to in our lifetime. Kat was the bad ass loner with one friend, loved to read and write and was super ,like, waaayyy sophisticated, played guitar, femenist, had a rad car the intro is the best, when some preppy girls are listening to barenaked ladies and she pulls up to them listening to" I don't care about my bad reputation. " She was way into girl bands and went to shows she was everything we wanted to be. The last scene is awesome Save Ferris on the top of the school as the camera pans out
Another thing about 90's movies I miss is the reality of a teenager mixed with the dream. Today it's full dream, for kids and parents, no possible influence of drinking, smoking and swearing. The scene where Kat gets drunk and throws up at the swings is key! It wouldn't be as interesting if they all were good and didn't act like real teenagers that smoke weed, have sex and throw up.
cock and balls on the face, what kind of teen movie would have that now? I can't even think of any teen movies, is twilight taking the places of the best teen dream movies? damn you.
Kat Stratford: Romantic? Hemingway? He was an abusive, alcoholic misogynist who squandered half of his life hanging around Picasso trying to nail his leftovers.
This reminds me! How could I ever forget Slums of Beverly Hills? Man , I will have to go back on that and get together an outfit of my own to go along with that...
if you haven't seen it, you should it's amazing. Natasha Leyonne. I hate American Pie, but she was the one good thing about that movie, plus her curly hair is amazing!
Kat Stratford: Bogey's party is just a lame excuse for all the idiots at our school to drink beer and rub up against each other in hopes of distracting themselves from the pathetic emptiness of their meaningless...
read this book because of this movie in 7th grade.
Kat Stratford: You can't just buy me a guitar every time you screw up, you know? Patrick: Yeah, I know. But then, you know, there's always drums, and bass, and maybe even one day a tambourine. Share this quote
"I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all"
Can't Hardly Wait. I liked the outcast group from this movie, but I couldn't stand Jennifer Love Hewitt. That guy that is chasing after her the entire time it's somewhat depressing, kind of like real life where whatever boy i and thought was cute would be chasing after some other big boobed bimbo, and I'm sitting there watching.
Seth Green is most of this movie for me. Seeing him act like a white boy gangster is a hilarious concept, he pulls that off just as well as he pulls of gay, which kind of works after a bit if you think of about it.
I hid my crush on him from everyone, I was embarrassed of his character in this movie. god such a dweeb
Melissa Joan Heart in the 90's, god she was adorable! Drive me Crazy!!! I love that movie, I just recently watched it again. That was around the time she was friends with 90's Britney. ahhh.... i, like, so totally wanted to be, like, their besties
Goth 90's teen dream movie. No Way! I remembered Fairuza Balk when I first saw this movie in 5th grade from Return to Oz. Which is a great movie, not a follow-up to the Wizard of Oz (which is probably my favorite movie ever), Wizard of Oz is a MGM film and Return to Oz is disney or something or other, two totally different concepts the only thing I think they tried to tie together were the ruby slippers, children watching it would probably like to keep the ruby slippers in there. What I'm getting at is Fairuza Balk is forever the creepiest actress I've ever heard of, and I love her. She was also the girlfriend in Waterboy, remember?
The Craft.... nooses in their locker, secret seances in their bedrooms, hideout off the beach to drink and smoke pot, spells , black lipstick and hormones!!! oh my!
My mom actually had this movie laying around the house and I didn't find it Until I stayed home from school sick one week and locked myself in my room with the t.v. and VHS player watching whatever my mom had. When I was done with it, I rewound it and watched it again, and then again, and again until I remembered most of the jokes and key lines. Why was my mom hiding this? I asked her! She said she didn't know I would like it. Are you kidding? I was going through my "i'm so freakin' punk, have you heard of this band?" phase. Main girl from the craft too? Shaves her head. She rules. The kid that steals the CDs? From Welcome to the Dollhouse. Liv Tyler and Renee Zelwegger before ultimate fame .
awesome.
Mark: Hey, Lucas. I've decided I'm going to start a band. Lucas: The first thing you need is a name. Then you'll know what kind of band you've got. Mark: Right, right. I was thinking about, um, Marc. How does that sound? Lucas: Is that with a C or with a K? Mark: Well my name is with a [checks his nametag] Mark: K, so I was thinking my band's name could be with a C. That way it's kind of that psychedelic, you know, trip thing. Lucas: Always play with their minds. Share this quote
as soon as i got my job in a record shop i realized it was nothing like Empire Records, nothing at all.
Lucas: Mark, who's your favorite singer? Mark: Axl. Lucas: Well if Axl Rose was driving down the highway, and saw Rex Manning stranded on the side of the road, do you think Axl Rose would stop and help him? Mark: [thinks] ... Does Axl have a jack? Warren: No way man!... Axl would pound on the gas, turn the wheel, take aim, and take that sucker out! Share this quote
Foxfire was imaginary to me when I first saw it. Angelina Jolie in combat boots traveling around turning teenage girls into packs of feminests listening to bikini kill and threatening jocks. ahhhhh stick and poke tattoos, secret hideout house buried deep enough to you can't hear them raging to "Let's get Fucked up" . It has a weird turnaround in the end but it will always make me cry to see legs leave in the end.
Mr. Parks: What are you girls, hmm? Some kind of gang? Girls who run with foxes and that sort of thing?
Rita Faldes: I'm afraid of heights. I'm not afraid of getting high.
My band Tantrum did a cover of Rita's song that she sings in the super market.
Welcome to the Dollhouse is one of the best movies I've ever seen. That was another one of my finds at mom's house during my sick week, this one too I watched repeatedly. There were a lot of things I could relate to and the script surprised me, I had seen a lot of movies with raunchy language, but looking back the one scene I go to first is when the boy is threatening to rape her to hang out with her and she goes, I thought it was kind of sweet in it's own juvenile hormonal-agro way.There was also a lot of focus on kids teasing her about possibly being a lesbian, I was having the same issues at the time and it was really nice to see something so real like that in a movie and how it's dealt in other cases, not just a big teen party and characters that I honestly could never be. Sure the entire time I was growing up my main goal in life was to go to parties and get asked out by a boy, somehow be the smartest, strongest , wittiest confident beautiful girl I saw in every movie I watched. But when I first watched this movie I .....was really happy. I feel like I can't really describe it anymore.
