I've been wondering lately why it is I set myself such a high bar and expect to climb over it somehow within a day, and if I don't my lack of self confidence goes even further down until I put myself in a rut of utter self hatred and pity. I don't mind the self hatred, it's the pity that I hate. Why should I find myself pitiful if I don't succeed as quickly as others?
And that's what it really is, I've been in a state of envy for months on end with a girl I am friends with on the old (yup you know it) Facebook. Every time I check, which is far too often, there's something new she has to tell everyone about her awesome life. About going to shows, HER art shows, her publicity features, her new professionally published zines, then I realize I have nothing to say for myself. I am just sitting here..on Facebook, checking it yet again. I'm not saying she's not awesome, cause she is.
That's the trouble, I see other girls that are awesome and I get scared to remotely be inspired rather than begrudging the person. It's easy for me to love famous girls and be inspired, for some reason it feels like a made up character that I'm supposed to love, someone was created for me to be inspired by, but in all reality those girls are just normal girls too, but when I actually know some one and I can physically shake hands with them, or electronically poke them, it seems like since they are in my reach the same opportunities should be in that same distance for me too.
Do I think I reserve it? of course not, another problem of mine. Self worth. Some times, like these times, I need to stop interacting with my world and look around at it. On my right, my beautiful singer sewing machine awaits tomorrow for me to use it again, I am surrounded by amazing prints to work with, I look up to see a full rack of mix tapes I had made along with a tape of my band and another tape I had an awesome time helping to put together, a whole night dedicated to making tiny little paper bags and finishing them off with 2.25 stickers that we had saved up over the years. to the left of that my drawings hang, flipping me off for not believing in myself (and that's what I drew) to my left, my favorite cat int eh world sleeps until I'm done with the computer and then she will come and cuddle up with me while we watch t.v.. In my room also a book case with all of the zines I had made, under that a trunk full of dresses that I've made. And then about now I'm saying what the fuck? I should be int he paper! Why aren't people paying any attention to all of the work I put into my art? Uh oh- here it comes-….does it all just really suck?
No! You get e-mails from around the world from girls telling you how amazing your work is, how much they want everything in your store, how they want to be doing what I'm doing. And there it is- it hits me. I want to be the inspiring girl, I don't want to be in the public eye, I just want to inspire the girls that get there, and hey if I make it along the way than hooray. but does that mean I can't be inspired by other girls? No, why do I think that way? I'm scared of being notice, I'm frightened that someone might see my impersonation of another girl and think "she's not her own person" or " why can't she act like herself ever?". I'm forever acting like myself, only myself is a hermit, a shy shy hermit, and how do you show who you really are that way?
So I'm making a firm decision to start a magazine I've been dreaming about for about a year now called "Stains" mostly for accidental self conscious broke girls, a magazine for girls to read and feel good about themselves afterward. Fashion magazines hardly bring me up when giving me advice to keep my boyfriend in the bedroom, or style tips for an outfit under $100, and other alternative magazines make me feel like I'm doing something wrong with my life by staying in for the night, almost every night, and they make me feel uncomfortable after seeing pages of half naked slutty hipster girls that started their careers in American Apparel ads.
I just want to see a normal girl, a girl that loves fashion, music, food, friends, life, love but also has a normal life. School on Mondays from 1-4 and Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays from 6-9 pm, she studies at home, hangs out with friends on the weekends, has pet peeves, poops, eats meat, and doesn't think she's the hottest shit in the city. A girl that is inspired by inspiring other girls, that's who I want to meet, and already I have a great crew, a couple of great friends of mine have agreed to help me with this project, and of course they are those same girls I was just talking about. Hopefully you'll find this inspiring and would like to send in an article, everyone is accepted :)
This month we are looking for articles , art, photography, fashion photography , etc…from girls (or boys) on Inspiration. Anything you would like, if it's inspiration from within, from another girl, a famous person, your mom, your inspiration wall, anything will be accepted. Have fun
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or e-mail for P.O. box # if you have a hard copy