Wednesday, February 8, 2012


I am going to make this post a little different, I'm going to talk a little bit more, if you don't mind. I've been going a little crazy lately, in need of a sounds bad when I say a friend because I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for, but i think that's also what I do mean. I have secrets about myself it feels like.
Out of all of my closest friends I am the only girl.... or am I the girlfriend of the really good friend in the group? I get treated like girl, and not a lady, if that makes any sense. That's not really my big concern, but it does float to the top of my brain every once and a while. People make assumptions about me based on my gender, but hell I'll slap box you and kick your ass, and afterwards I can talk about ANTM for hours if anyone would listen.
I've always felt awkward about my gender, growing up I loved playing sports, getting dirty and wearing jerseys, but then I got to a point where I wanted to be a girl that boys found attractive, and that wasn't going to happen until I took a shower and brushed out my hair. Middle school I really struggled, I got more into punk rock and started doing weird things to my hair and clothes, again finding myself completely unattractive to anyone else.
Ninth grade I started high school wearing make up , short skirts and ripped tights, dyed my hair blonde and found that lots of guys liked me, to the point where I decided, "hey why not date them all?"
That lasted for about a week until I felt horrible, I realized I liked all of them as a friend and I broke up with all of them. They were all into pop punk, the same shit as I liked, so I felt more comfortable and brought my "punk" clothes back out and dyed my fresh blonde hair. I felt like Dolly Parton showing off her coat of many colors, I was instantly labeled as a poser and spent the rest of that semester with no friends until I changed schools for the Spring. I started this school as myself, I was back in San Francisco and felt alright to dress however I liked.
The conundrum ... no boys. Ahhhh life for a teenager is so hard, it got worse as the years wet on and I started to go to school in Palo Alto, where I gave up and dropped out of school. I wouldn't say that boys is the reason why I dropped out either. If you haven't found this out from reading thus far, I've been to 14 different schools growing up, none of them were on the same track or page and sometimes I felt like I knew something and didn't pay attention and then other times I went come feeling like the dumbest person in the world.
Friends were hard to make and keep, my father for the most part stayed in San Francisco, but my mom had me going to school in Richmond, Antioch, Hercules, and Crockett. I'm only friends with those people on facebook (for some reason).
So back to the "gender issue" ...I just don't know how to deal with it still. I don't like being treated like a girl, but when I find myself acting like a typical one I ask to be excused or listened to.
I need a friend, one that wants to listen to me. I feel like I have so many secrets. I just want to talk to someone. Its hard when the person you spend day and night with has already heard your non sense, and you feel like they just don't want to hear it anymore. When he asks me why I'm crying I have no answer for him, I just keep holding it in, and it just makes me cry even more.
I need someone's advice, someone that knows me to tell me what I'm thinking isn't wrong, that I shouldn't have to feel so trapped and lonely all of the time. I feel like I've said this a million times but, it's one thing to feel lonely and actually be alone, it's another to be with someone you love, and their arms are free of you when your feeling the most alone. You tell them how you feel and they just sit there, your crying and they just sit there, watching you. You have nowhere to run, your trapped in that room. No walk cause then it's "where are you going" and then a game of follow the leader, can't go to the bathroom cause there's always a room mate doin' something in there, can't just hide underneath your sheets cause he's just there, sitting on them.
What do I do? I've been thinking about moving to England more and more each day. It's been my secret plan for a few months, but now I can't stay focused in class, I'm just drawing up my ideal life in England in my head
I walk into a liquor store, head for the back, grab a whatever sized of whatever beer, come back up to the front counter..
"two pounds"
And then my reality shifts and I'm back in a CCSF classroom.
Or I'm walking down the streets, right, and the cars are buzzing to the right of me, but ...wha? blood'y hell! the cars are going the same direction as me!
I only went to England for 2 days all together and these are just things that happened to me while I was there. It was also my first 2 days in Europe in my life so I kept doing the history view thing, where I was like "whoooaaaa can't you imagine like...peasants here like whacking grass or something?" hey...I was a little sick from the plane ride, so I wasn't being too smart about it.
Just talking about it for 2 small paragraphs has made me so much happier! One day. I'll runaway. For now...class.

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